I want to go home for a weekend.

Just a weekend. I love Belgium, I love my friends, and I love my host family. But I just want to be home right now.

Homesickness has been hitting these past two weeks, and it's hitting hard.

I'm very grateful for everything I have here, really. I just want some familiarity. I want to wake up in my bed with my dog. I want to go through all of my clothes and decide what to wear. I want to get in my car and go to the barn and ride horses I know and trust, not huge Warmblood monsters that dump me on the ground. I want my food: cheesecake, cereal, salad, carrots, apples, bananas, cheese, etc. I don't want any chocolate at all for like a week. I want my house. I want to use my shower and I want to take a looooooooooooong shower without having to worry about if anyone else needs to get in to use the bathroom or take a shower of their own. I want to watch the nightly news on tv in a language I understand. I want my school and teachers who speak English and know that my name is Mikayla, not Clara. I want my friends and my life. I want to be Mikayla, not "the American." I want grocery stores that make sense, libraries full of books, movies that I like and understand. I want my music. My pillows, all 9 of them. I want cold, skim milk. I want chocolate chip cookies. I want grilled cheese. I want to eat dinner at 5, not at 7. I want to just say "hey" to my friends in the morning, and not have to bisou every single person in the room. I want familiar roads, automatic cars, Taco Bell, and my nail polish. I want familiar faces, my job walking Rudi, and hugs from all of my friends. I really just want what's comfortable. What's familiar. What I know and love. I want my life back.

I know most people will jump to the assumption that this mood funk is all due to the holiday season. I suppose that might be part of it, but I doubt it. The holidays really aren't a big deal for me. I think it's coming on because at this point, I'm kind of... disillusioned... with the whole process of being an exchange student. It's exhausting, it's often boring, and it's very, very frustrating. I've reached what feels like a stalemate in my language progression. I'm thinking in French, which is great, but I'm still making stupid mistakes with conjugations, my pronunciation is absolute trash, and I couldn't remember subjunctive if my life depended on it. It's intimidating and disheartening to be corrected all the time. I feel stupid when people don't understand what I say. I feel stupid when I mix up the words for sweater and chicken. I feel stupid speaking up in class not because I don't know if my answer's right, but because I'm not even sure I understood the question. I feel stupid because I can take great notes and understand everything on Tuesday, but in the same class on Thursday I'm completely lost.


I hate feeling stupid.


I don't want to leave Belgium, and I'm not giving up. I just want to go back home, to my familiar, easy life. Only for a weekend, to regroup, relax, and de-stress. But I can't. I can't leave and go home, because I'd have to leave permanently. And I don't want to do that. I want to stay here and live out the remainder of my exchange having fun and enjoying myself. I know it will get better, and by the time July comes around I'll be miserable with the thought of leaving. I just have to keep that in mind.